Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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