my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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