My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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