just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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