I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
