Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
