why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
