Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
