Umm I'm too high to move.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
