hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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