Just invented taco cereal.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
