I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
