I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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