Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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