What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
