Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
