I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
