I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
