I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
