I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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