Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
