"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
