Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
