take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
