I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
