I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
