saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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