my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
