I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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