Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
