I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
