True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
