My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
