there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
being pregnant is like rehab
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
