Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
