I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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