dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
