He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
