What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
