Umm I'm too high to move.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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