Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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