I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
