I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
