my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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