she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
