she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
