I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
