My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
