Why is your signature on my underwear?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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