The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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